Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And I have a plan to do even better, to end welfare as we know it — William J. Clinton Copy Share Image
Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives. — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.” — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train. — George Burns Copy Share Image
“Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese” — Lucian Bane Copy Share Image
We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt… — Dianne Feinstein Copy Share Image
People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought… — Seymour Cray Copy Share Image
“Hello there," Inigo hollered when he could wait no more. The man in black glanced up and grunted. "I've been watching you."… — William Goldman Copy Share Image
“Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that… — Jeaniene Frost Copy Share Image
“Darcy rolled the quill between his fingers and looked with benign pity upon his cousin. “You should, you know. It’s a wonderful… — Karen V. Wasylowski Copy Share Image
It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things. Names are everything. I never… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“We, in the interest of the so-called progress, have been persuaded to leave the production and at times the cooking of our… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.” “But we ordered so much,”… — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team. — Eric Cantona Copy Share Image
That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
“A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.” — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. — George Burns Copy Share Image
“Doubt is a lot like faith; A mustard's seed worth changes everything.” — Donna Johnson Copy Share Image
“Yes, magnifliant. Magnificent, brilliant, splendid, superb. I could go on.” — Ally Broadfield Copy Share Image
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.” — Brian Randleas Harmony Copy Share Image
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. — Guy Davenport Copy Share Image
“For God's sake put on your glasses, Sam. You're staring right at my boobs.” — Jillian Eaton Copy Share Image
“You! You foul, loathsome, evil little cocroach! Hermione, no! He's no worth it.” — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Why would God bless you if all that you do, is show up on Sundays and park in the pew? — Kevin Pace Copy Share Image
“Eggs," said Henry dreamily, looking at his plate. "I do love eggs. I could eat them all day.” — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
