I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language. — Richard Peck Copy Share Image
I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. — Gloria Steinem Copy Share Image
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Students ask me why I don't have tattoos. . . So I tell them, Do you see a Ferrari with bumper stickers. . . — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
To advertisers: "Do not compete with your agency in the creative area. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?" — David Ogilvy Copy Share Image
The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled.… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value… — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
“I mumble my vows, Shad mutters his, and I wonder what would happen if I lunged for the door like a wild… — Janet Mullany Copy Share Image
“The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little… — Christy Hall Copy Share Image
The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
First, there was Confucius. Then, the sayings of Chairman Mao. And now the pithy, ironic, and humorous insights of Ai Weiwei. I… — Jerome A. Cohen Copy Share Image
God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... The trade unions, under the European system,… — Henry Ward Beecher Copy Share Image
One of the glories of doing the book So You Want to Be President? was the shifts in tone, where I was… — David Small Copy Share Image
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“To exemplify, -a beautiful glossy nut, which, blessed with original strength, has outlived all the storms of autumn. Not a puncture, not… — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Where did you get that assault weapon?" "Assault weapon?" Zach turned his head to look at her. "Well, lookey there. You're cute… — Suzie Quint Copy Share Image
“I am a loser in my own plot, but I might be the hero in someone else's plot.” — Vann Chow Copy Share Image
I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper. — Lotte Reiniger Copy Share Image
“So the world was nuts and he'd suddenly discovered a kink for geeks. There were worse things.” — Louisa Edwards Copy Share Image
Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.” — Morgan Matson Copy Share Image
“By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave… — Stephen King Copy Share Image
If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it. — George Burns Copy Share Image
“The average adult has had sex innumerable times more than they have formed an opinion of their own.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“"If you want that kind of thing, call Nick. His advice is shit, but he really likes to give it.” — Kelley Armstrong Copy Share Image
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. — J. P. McEvoy Copy Share Image
“I do believe in shooting the messenger. You know why? Because it sends a message.” — L.J. Smith Copy Share Image
