Humorous Quotes · Page 53

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

— George Burns

Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

— Alan Perlis

“Renee: “Trout, get your mind out of the gutter.” Trout: “Can’t help it—it’s attached to my body.”

— John C. Stipa

“I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...”

— Laura L. Sullivan

We're wanted men, we'll strike again, but first let's have a beer.

— Jimmy Buffett

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

— Mae West

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well…

— Francois Fenelon

“Yes, he's an equal opportunity asshole," Szilard said. "And he's aware of it, which he thinks means it's okay.”

— John Scalzi

“Well,' said Mrs. Erdleigh, speaking kindly, as if to a child who has proposed a game inevitably associated with the breakage of…

— Anthony Powell

“Mother said we had reached the Age of Reason and had to be good now. We must have because we wanted Willy…

— Marie Clair

There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus!

— Arthur Conan Doyle

I'm a Christian-libertarian-environmentalist-capitalist-lunatic. It's a humorous way for me to describe that I'm not stereotypical.

— Joel Salatin

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell…

— Dave Barry

“If you didn't already know, game show talent works fewer days a year than almost every profession, except maybe members of Congress.”

— John Bennardo

And dilettantism is a humorous way to survive. Everybody understands you for it and everybody hates you for it. And not everybody…

— Francesco Clemente

Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all…

— Ann Oakley

Goresthorpe Grange is a feudal mansion - or so it was termed in the advertisement which originally brought it under my notice.…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

“What did Finnick Odair want?” he asks. I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation…

— Suzanne Collins

I compare a lot of life to looking at a map through a straw. The less ability you have to see life…

— Reggie Watts

My character Milly in 'The Boy Who Could Fly' was a very strong part. There were dramatic moments, and there were humorous…

— Lucy Deakins

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems…

— George Carlin

“I really am a little afraid, my dear,” hinted the cherub meekly, “that you are not enjoying yourself?” “On the contrary,” returned…

— Charles Dickens

“I once met an RAF pilot who told me of what he called a "bird strike". This, rather unfairly in my view,…

— Hugh Laurie

“The one that sang, old Janine, was always whispering into the g***** microphone before she sang. She'd say, 'And now we like…

— J.D. Salinger

“He says in his defence he never meddled with married women, only with virgins.”

— Hilary Mantel

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late…

— Woody Allen

“We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.

— Al Forman

I always say, 'Thank goodness 'Wimpy Kid' was a comedy because my singing in that was more humorous than professional.'

— Devon Bostick

“[Like they say,] small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.”

— Dave Courtney

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

— John Candy

“When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you ask a…

— Mercedes Lackey

“Jack's doctors have told him he is crazy… but, the truth is, it's the Voices who are crazy, not him.”

— Jennifer Daydreamer

“Be wary the treasure you pluck is not attached to the toe of a dragon.”

— Melissa McPhail

We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.

— S. J. Perelman

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

— Colonel Sanders

Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.

— Wally Wood

“C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole…

— Bjarne Stroustrup

“She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.”

— Neil Gaiman

If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.

— William Safire