I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
“Make requests, not demands. example: “please” kill that zombie honey, I’m out of bullets.” — Jesse Petersen Copy Share Image
I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect. — Harvey Fierstein Copy Share Image
When I'm writing a lyric, things can only get so serious before they start becoming humorous. — John Prine Copy Share Image
I have no clue. I have ovaries; therefore, I repel all things mechanical. — M. Leighton Copy Share Image
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives. — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Unless you're writing for a humorous effect, elves or space aliens and all creatures who aren't human should at least be as… — Will Shetterly Copy Share Image
“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“Scott had some sort of power, or force field. In essence, he was like fucking gay guy repellant. Not a single gay… — Jayson James Copy Share Image
...it is not necessary to the child to awaken to the sense of the strange and humorous by giving a man a… — Gilbert K. Chesterton Copy Share Image
“Jim: By the way Artie. How are you going to escape? Artie: Oh, the usual way. Guile.. cunning...trickery. Wild Wild West Season… — Wild Wild West TV Copy Share Image
“The dweam of wuv wapped wiffin the gweater dweam of everwasting west. Eternity is our fwiend, wemember that, and wuv wiw fowwow… — William Goldman Copy Share Image
“It seems - and who so astonished as they? - that they had held back material facts; that they were guilty of… — Rudyard Kipling Copy Share Image
Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of violence… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“There were, however, a few exceptions. One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough… — Arthur C. Clarke Copy Share Image
Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“He would not object, he said, to accepting a post as a librarian. But as Cecilia was unable to imagine that her… — Georgette Heyer Copy Share Image
Next," said Mrs Wilfer with a wave of her gloves, expressive of abdication under protest from the culinary throne, "I would recommend… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Mr Kingsley begins then by exclaiming- 'O the chicanery, the wholesale fraud, the vile hypocrisy, the conscience-killing tyranny of Rome! We have… — John Henry Newman Copy Share Image
“McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me. Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here? McG: 11:42… — Ella Dominguez Copy Share Image
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Tell me about yourself - your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number. — Peter Arno Copy Share Image
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. — Denis Waitley Copy Share Image
I used to like humorous people in the past, but these days, I like serious people more. — Park Shin-hye Copy Share Image
“A word to the wise an't nesisary its the stupid ones who need the edvise.” — Eliga H. Gould Copy Share Image
A flatterer never seems absurd: The flatter'd always takes his word. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
This has always bothered me. If Change is the only constant how can we have absolutes? — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood. — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
You've always been a great mom because of your patience, sense of humor, and fondness for daytime drinking. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her. — William J. Clinton Copy Share Image
Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. — Mike Harding Copy Share Image
Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mom in the world besides Michelle Obama. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
