Humorous Quotes · Page 50

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

— George Carlin

“You know, there are several gay men on the faculty. Professor Montag makes jelly beans look colorless(...)”

— Tara Lain

Everything serious that he says is a joke and everything humorous that he says is dead serious.

— Clarence Darrow

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

— Bob Hope

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

— Anonymous

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

— Mignon McLaughlin

“If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.”

— Anonymous

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have…

— Ernest Hemingway

“Hold up. How do you accidentally have sex with somebody?” Adina scoffed. “Is she all, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see…

— Libba Bray

“Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, including people they cordially disliked.”

— Gerald Durrell

People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.

— Albert Einstein

Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head.…

— Charles Dickens

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can…

— Dave Barry

“If he's after sledge I'd say he's a bottom, and a very sore one if he succeeds , cos your bro looks…

— Marita A. Hansen

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed,…

— June Callwood

“May my hands fall from my wrists before I kill an artist like yourself," said the man in black. "I would as…

— William Goldman

A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the…

— George Mikes

One posthumous measure of a person's life is how often you imagine his impossible return to deal with some event he never…

— Paul Di Filippo

If I freely may discover What should please me in my lover, I would have her fair and witty, Savouring more of…

— Ben Jonson

“Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?…

— Samuel Grant Oliphant

Mrs. Boffin, insisting that Bella should make tomorrow's expedition in the chariot, she went home in great grandeur. Mrs. Wilfer and Miss…

— Charles Dickens

“That widow’s peak is preposterous. God. It really makes you feel the sad dearth of widow’s peaks in daily life. We could,…

— Laini Taylor

“I walked back by way of the sea-lions' enclosure to refresh my eyes with the King Penguin's perfect ecclesiastical tailoring. He was…

— Edward Verrall Lucas

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

— Neil Simon

I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

— George Burns

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

— Steven Rubenstein

There is almost no topic that can't benefit from being talked about in a humorous way.

— Rachel Parris

“Maybe there is some Abnegation in everyone. Well in everyone but Peter."-Tris Prior”

— Veronica Roth

I have a humorous side but these days humour can be a risky thing.

— Narendra Modi

“Innerst inne vill folk ha mulattbarn. Alla samma utblandade fadda plusminusnoll-människa.”

— Sami Said

“If a man can save himself, there is no need for a Saviour.”

— Lailah Gifty Akita

Thanks for not putting me up for adoption unless you're not really my mom...

— Anonymous

It is inconceivable that anyone could say we have tried to hide anything

— William J. Clinton

“Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches, your Grace. That’s my motto.”

— Melissa McPhail

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

— Bob Hope

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

— Anonymous

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

— Adi Da

Subversive, ethical, ecological, political, humorous ... this is how I see my duty as a designer.

— Philippe Starck

“They aint got no medication for pilgrims waitin to take the Sunset?”

— Cormac McCarthy