Humorous Quotes · Page 47

“Wise men don't feel companionless when they are not in the company of their egos.”

— Delian Zahariev

I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.

— Flann O'Brien

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

— John von Neumann

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

— George Carlin

I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...

— Dave Barry

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might…

— Richard Carleton

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

— Woody Allen

Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die…

— George Mikes

Poetry, I think, intensifies the reader's experience. If it's a humorous facet of the story, poetry makes it more exuberant. If it's…

— Vikram Seth

“This isn't sex." I blinked. "Oh. Then what is it?" "An emergency!" I started to argue and then thought twice about it.…

— Karen Chance

“A friend told me that one day he and I would be rich and famous. I told him that I'd trade my…

— Quentin R. Bufogle

“White? That's good. virginal. He'll be reminded this is a first for you and hopefully won't just impale you on his pork…

— Carmen Jenner

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,…

— Rich Hall

... Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so…

— Charles Dickens

“I de­ci­ded right then and the­re to ma­ke a snic­ker­do­od­le per­fu­me to we­ar, so that one day he wo­uld sniff me li­ke…

— Jessica Verday

“Are you going to be all right now?" Loki asked. He'd walked me over here, and he waited just inside the doorway.…

— Amanda hocking

The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made…

— Charles Dickens

“Now, Jasper, as a great man once said, 'A brave and steadfast heart can overcome any fear.' So don't worry. I'll be…

— Chet Williamson

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a…

— George Carlin

“Listen. Just because we got a mutual hankering, doesn't mean we have to act on it. Aside from the hankering, there isn't…

— Maggie Osborne

Abstract reason, formerly the servant of practical human reasons, has everywhere become its master, and denies poetry any excuse for existence. Though…

— Robert Graves

“Stella explained that when he had arrived, because of his English accent, she had assumed that he was me, and had asked…

— Tony Hawks

“The lieutenant’s fooling around again with the telegraph girl at the station,” said the corporal, after he had gone. “He’s been running…

— Jaroslav Hašek

Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget's corpse doth lie, she is at rest - and so…

— Benjamin Franklin

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

— Flannery O'Connor

“what you know and don’t deny that you don’t know and knowing this you know what and why you don’t know. Right?”

— Jennifer Hillman

Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

— Fritz Maytag

I see all. I hear all. I know all. And I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom.

— Harlan Ellison

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

“Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!”

— Ransom Riggs

“Being rich or famous is the only profound thing that some people have ever said.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

— George Carlin

I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.

— Bobbi Brown

Manage by exception.Only require reporting when there is a deviation from the plan.

— Brian Tracy

I'm just trying to suppress my natural impulses and get back to work.

— William J. Clinton

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

— Dave Barry

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a…

— George Carlin

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced

— Ruby Wax

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

— Anonymous