Humorous Quotes · Page 37

“May as well have ox blood running through those veins,” I added, “You’re as stubborn as one.”

— Katherine McIntyre

You will never realize how wired your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else.

— Anonymous

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

— P. J. O'Rourke

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made…

— Mae West

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

— Elayne Boosler

“You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.”

— Will Cuppy

The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.

— Dennis Ritchie

“Masked by a pair of pink cotton panties, the man looks like some sort of deranged bank robber.”

— Dave Lundy

“What sort of funny songs?" "My balls are swearing my balls are swearing I can't keep my balls from sweating ohhh no."…

— Anna carey

“Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them. ― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind”

— Anonymous

I thought I was going to be known for my humor. But then I had an idea for a story, which was…

— Jay Asher

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

— Bob Hope

“Babcock silenced himself when he caught a gratifying sight on the broker’s shelf—his finance book, Moving Ones and Zeros Around like a…

— Jasun Ether

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what…

— Thomas Carlyle

“Like every other good thing in this world, leisure and culture have to be paid for. Fortunately, however, it is not the…

— Aldous Huxley

“As an unavoidable result of the inevitable loss of some physical and/or some mental abilities, many a man who has been alive…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I drew pictures for and about the soldiers because I knew what their life was like and understood their gripes. I wanted…

— Bill Mauldin

“Every week seems to bring another luxuriantly creamy envelope, the thickness of a letter-bomb, containing a complex invitation – a triumph of…

— David Nicholls

“She was a most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from story to story was a mystery beyond…

— Charles Dickens

“Sherlock: They came out of EROC with $33 million dollars in small bills. They loaded their haul into an ambulance, American-made, in…

— Elementary

Vell," said Mr. Weller, "Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p'raps to prove…

— Charles Dickens

Well, I would - if they realized that we - again if - if we led them back to that stalemate only…

— Ronald Reagan

“I turned on the television and watched a movie about a girl who’d fallen in love with both a vampire and a…

— Kristen Middleton

“literally: This word should be deleted. All too often, actions described as “literally” did not happen at all. As in, “He literally…

— Tom Rachman

They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

— Mark Twain

“Most of us cling to life as if our existence were a result of our deed or choice.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.”

— Jon S. Lewis

Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.

— Cynthia Heimel

I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere, so we will patiently grope round for it.

— Arthur Conan Doyle

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

— Robert Benchley

“I hated her out of principle; and that principle was bitterness.”

— Molly Harper

Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.

— George Mikes

Thanks for helping me resolve the childhood issues you caused.

— Anonymous

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

— Reinhard Bonnke

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

— Woody Allen

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

— Billy Connolly

“The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way.

— Brian Tracy

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

“Imogen was a bright girl naturally, but she had read so many novels that her brain was completely turned.”

— Susan Coolidge