We want to be just like the greatest band. But I think we're just sort of both naturally humorous fellas. — Kyle Gass Copy Share Image
The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill… — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The pesimist says: it cannot get any worse. The optimist joyfully exclaims: yes, it can! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“But the best part of catching Neil in the shower was, hands down, the loud, awful singing.” — Abigail Barnette Copy Share Image
“Yeah, my father is an egotistical douchebag," he says roughly. "My name literally means Jonathan empire.” — Krista Ritchie Copy Share Image
“The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.” — Flip Wilson Copy Share Image
I try to sing many different kinds of songs. If I sing a batch of humorous songs, I'll throw in a deadly… — Pete Seeger Copy Share Image
“You can shit in one hand and wish in another and see which one gets full faster. Or... you can just take… — C.V. Hunt Copy Share Image
“Holy hell, Trev! What kind of move was that?” Trevor leaned over her with a big smile on his face. “You really… — Cecilia Aubrey & Chris Almeida Copy Share Image
There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have… — Bat Masterson Copy Share Image
The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture…He takes upon himself… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
When a wicked and unworthy subject annoyed the Sultan of Turkey or the Czar of Russia, he had his head cut of… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a moth saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".” — cherise sinclair Copy Share Image
I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state… — Michael J. Sullivan Copy Share Image
“Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
[My brother] lived in a dry gulch where the world of socks and shoes became extremely fascinating, and he felt that everyone… — Bill Murray Copy Share Image
The American child is a highly intelligent human being; characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, has a strong sense of excitement,… — Walt Disney Copy Share Image
“I am concussed,' I announced, entirely sure of my self-diagnosis. ''You're fine,' Takumi said as he jogged back towards me. ''Let's get… — John Green Copy Share Image
There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project… — Dorothy Parker Copy Share Image
“As we all know, as if forever exploiting or attempting to exploit each other were not enough, a group of sane human… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if… — Thomas Bailey Aldrich Copy Share Image
Before I walk a mile in another person's shoes I spray them with disinfectant. . . — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. — Doug Larson Copy Share Image
Reconnecting to the animal means getting to a more sensitive, more artful and more humorous place in the psyche. — James Hillman Copy Share Image
The only enemy which stands between the talent you posses and success you achieve is known as EGO in our Society — Abhishek Shukla Copy Share Image
“My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.” — Nicole Peeler Copy Share Image
It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential. — Hans Asperger Copy Share Image
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. — Johnny Vegas Copy Share Image
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. — John von Neumann Copy Share Image
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?” — Rebecca Murphy Copy Share Image
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? — Seymour Cray Copy Share Image
I'm not going to parse the statement. You've got the statement I made earlier and the statement speaks for itself. — Mike McCurry Copy Share Image
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
![“[My brother] lived in a dry gulch where the world of socks and shoes became extremely fascinating, and he felt that everyone needs a good pair of socks, and why not limit his gift giving to something that everybody needs? He thought that there was something humorous about it. So he gives socks.” quote by Bill Murray](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/b3b/bill-murray-1709_brother_my-brother-lived-in-a-dry-gulch-where-th_3059745.png)
