“Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...” — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
“If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!” — Christy Hall Copy Share Image
Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about? — Kirk Douglas Copy Share Image
Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“Still trying to save the world?” “Always,” I said, “and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s working. The world is still here.” — Nicole Williams Copy Share Image
“Most sane human beings who are over the age of six usually act or react not as per what they genuinely feel… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you… — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
I guess the more serious you play something, if the context is funny, then it will be funny and it doesn't really… — Jesse Eisenberg Copy Share Image
You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your… — Noel Coward Copy Share Image
“You’ve got to give the door something?’ ‘Yes,’ said Dumbledore. ‘Blood, if I am not much mistaken.’ ‘Blood?’ ‘I said it was… — J. K. Rowling Copy Share Image
“Before we got married we asked our grandfathers, whose own marriages had lasted forty years or more, "What is the secret to… — TaraShea Nesbit Copy Share Image
American radio is the reverse of the Shakespearean stage. In Shakespeare's time the world's greatest dramas were acted with the most primitive… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since… — Mike Harding Copy Share Image
West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved? It might perhaps be answered that we should… — Niccolo Machiavelli Copy Share Image
Mothers of America let your kids go to the movies! get them out of the house so they won't know what you're… — Frank O'Hara Copy Share Image
He that plays the king shall be welcome- his Majesty shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight shall use his foil… — William Shakespeare Copy Share Image
The light, humorous touch works well for 'Columbo,' 'McMillan and Wife,' and 'McCloud.' — Mike Connors Copy Share Image
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance¦ The five stages of waking up this morning. . . — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis. — Marlon Brando Copy Share Image
Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself. — Mary Roberts Rinehart Copy Share Image
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid… — Mae West Copy Share Image
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.) — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.. — Ray Romano Copy Share Image
“What about the old standby of kicking a guy in the groin?" "Try to." Love to...” — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
“Adults who use big words in order to seem intelligent are annoying, especially those who are not intelligent.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Admiral Spartan thinks that the object must be exposed and penetrated with all possible speed.” — Lincoln Child Copy Share Image
“Rats! It's rainy outside, And to be a good fella Invite a smile so wide Nobody needs umbrella!” — Ana Claudia Antunes Copy Share Image
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Everything flows and water bills are getting higher and higher.” — Ljupka Cvetanova Copy Share Image
