Humorous Quotes · Page 29

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

— Leo Durocher

Happy Mother's Day to a mom who shouldn't assume my graduation means the end of my financial dependency.

— Anonymous

My Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook Wall.

— Anonymous

For most men life is a search for the proper manilla envelope in which to get themselves filed.

— Anonymous

“We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

— Jack Handey

“Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

— Tommy Bolt

“. . . parent could embarrass their kids during the teenage years, but only a true virtuoso could embarrass them into their twenties and beyond.”

— Danielle Monsch

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the…

— Dave Barry

“Fighting with tangles, fighting with curls, the poor barber yanked, the poor barber pulled, until with one last effort (and to the…

— Mili Fay

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

— Iimani David

“If I ever figured out how to go back in time, I'd tell my nine-year-old self to run the other way when…

— Anna Staniszewski

A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one,…

— Raymond Simard

My childhood memories of my grandparents are of a wonderful, complementary couple. While my grandfather had a spirited, humorous personality, my grandmother…

— Kristina McMorris

Maybe there'll be a simple, innocent explanation. I don't think so, because I think we would have offered that up already.

— Mike McCurry

Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies…

— Dave Barry

“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write…

— Lili St. Crow

“Don't you squire me. There's something going on down here, something wrong; I can feel it in my boots and, believe me,…

— Terry Pratchett

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important,…

— Groucho Marx

We admire Chaucer for his sturdy English wit… But though it is full of good sense and humanity, it is not transcendent…

— Henry David Thoreau

“Falon stared at Del intently, trying to figure out what was different. As usual, Del was impeccably dressed in a lavender dress…

— Robin Alexander

""Dear girl," continued Bob advancing with an imbecile grin upon his countenance, which he imagined no doubt to be a seductive smile,…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

In my serious work I am striving for the essence of things and for goals which are possibly unobtainable. On the other…

— Philippe Halsman

The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

— Ric Charlesworth

The stupider the regime the more intelligent the people get and the more humorous.

— Christopher Hitchens

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

— Yakov Smirnoff

“Hope was like frogs praying for wings so they didn't bump their asses when they hopped”

— Sherri Desbois

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

— Anonymous

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

— Abraham Lincoln

It might suprise you to know I think I raised them too much, too

— William J. Clinton

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

— Groucho Marx

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

— Erma Bombeck

Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled.

— Christine Lagarde

When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight.

— John Major

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

— Mignon McLaughlin

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

— Woody Allen

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.

— George Harris

“What are summer teeth? Summer in their mouth, Some are elsewhere.”

— Suzanne Woods Fisher

“A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.”

— John Steinbeck