Humorous Quotes · Page 30

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.

— George Mikes

Humour is ahead of everything creatively. I think if things aren't humorous, they are just crap.

— Roisin Murphy

Mary's mouth cost her nothing for she never opens it but at others' expense.

— Benjamin Franklin

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

— David Brenner

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

— Oscar Wilde

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

— Johnny Carson

“I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.”

— Victor Borge

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

— Victor Kiam

There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm…

— Randy Pausch

I love the very exposed, humorous, imperfect, never-trying to-pretend-to-be-perfect journey that I have been on in my life.

— Drew Barrymore

And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts... Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes…

— Billy Joel

“Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked in poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some…

— Charles Dickens

“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”

— Julio-Alexi Genao

“Count Duchamps: It's a wonder he didn't clank when he [Jim West] when he walked. (referring to all of Jim's gadgets and…

— Wild Wild West TV

“Sometimes we know people who are too wonderful for words. I am not one of them. Or you, for that matter, as…

— Michael Hogan

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's…

— Tommy Douglas

“It goes without saying that even those of us who are going to hell will get eternal life—if that territory really exists…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Sorry," I said. There was little healing power in the word, but maybe the Inspectre wasn't looking to heal. Maybe he didn't…

— Anton Strout

“Indeed! I am truly glad to hear it. I always always fond of Osborne; and, do you know, I never really took…

— Elizabeth Gaskell

“5. Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still really young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle,…

— George Mikes

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been…

— Mark Twain

“Gazing up at the long flight of stairs to the temple, Puck shook his head and sighed. “Stairs." He grimaced. “I swear…

— Julie Kagawa

“Her Majesty to the theatre. The performance took place on a stage erected in the courtyard, and Her Majesty closed in one…

— Princess Der Ling

“Diligence and attention soon gave him the knack of it, and he strode down the street with his mouth full of harmony…

— Mark Twain

I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to…

— Seve Ballesteros

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

— Frank Lloyd Wright

Reinforce what you want to see repeated.What gets rewarded gets done.

— Brian Tracy

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

— W. C. Fields

“Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Ish #109 "If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker.”

— Regina Griffin

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them.

— Jonathan Lynn

Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting.

— Charles Dickens

Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height.

— Casey Stengel

“You know we've got it bad when a naked and gyrating Channing Tatum can't solve our problems.”

— Jen Frederick

The most colossal display of wise, inspiring, and humorous metaphors ever exhibited in one place.

— Richard Lederer

“What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your…

— Stephen King

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

— Woody Allen

I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take…

— Frank A. Clark

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.

— Les Aspin

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

— Sam Smith