Humorous Quotes · Page 31

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.

— Collis Potter Huntington

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

— Bill Maher

The manipulation of statistical formulas is no substitute for knowing what one is doing.

— Hubert M. Blalock

“It would look pretty messed up to be a social worker and have dried kid blood as a permanent stain in your…

— Holly Goldberg Sloan

“Taggle was absorbed in the meat pie. ‘It’s covered in BREAD,’ he huffed. ‘What fool has covered MEAT with BREAD?”

— Erin Bow

Life is same for everyone. The difference is only that some are living by heart and some for only sake of living

— Abhishek Shukla

“And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!”

— Elaine Raco Chase

Finding the humorous side of life is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

— Alberta Peedoodle

Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a…

— J. Vernon McGee

I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll…

— P. J. O'Rourke

The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to…

— Aubrey Menen

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like…

— Steve Buscemi

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous…

— Mose Allison

“Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's…

— Woody Allen

“In some cases, you can tell how somebody is being treated by their own boss from the way they are treating someone…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Any good broadcast, not just an Olympic broadcast, should have texture to it. It should have information, should have some history, should…

— Bob Costas

Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting…

— Dave Barry

“I asked a nurse for dental floss and was told that I am not allowed dental floss. Apparently dental floss can be…

— Emily Austin

Indeed, so far from being humorous, the male American is the most abnormally serious creature who ever existed.. It is only fair…

— Oscar Wilde

“He was rather a low sort of pony. The fact is, he had been originally jobbed out by the day, and he…

— Charles Dickens

Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is…

— P. J. O'Rourke

“Observation" If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by…

— Dorothy Parker

“It’s SpongeBob, Eleanor,” he said, speaking very slowly and clearly as though I were some sort of idiot. “SpongeBob SquarePants?” A semi-human…

— Gail Honeyman

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

— Woody Allen

“I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.”

— E.A. Bucchianeri

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

— Groucho Marx

“Life is a great big canvas; throw all tje paint you can at it.”

— Danny Kaye

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

— Alan Coren

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something.

— H. Jackson Brown, Jr

We're not talking about a few rooms here with delicate personal matters involved.

— William J. Clinton

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

— Rich Hall

My penis is an awkward leprechaun that had not gotten lucky nearly as much as it had gotten bored.

— Andrea Gibson

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

— Bob Hope

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

— Frank Sinatra

“Never underestimate a septuagenarian with time on his hands.”

— Bernadette Pruitt

“I’ve had a lot of food but if you don’t jiggle me too much you can have your wicked way with me.”

— Samantha Young

My mentor said, 'Let's go do it', not 'You go do it'. How powerful when someone says, 'Let's!'

— Jim Rohn

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

— Charles Dickens

“The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed." Winnifred Crane”

— Kate Noble