My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic! — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next". — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details". — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'.… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids. — Milton Jones Copy Share
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and… — Milton Jones Copy Share
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever. — Milton Jones Copy Share
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation. — Milton Jones Copy Share
I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a… — Milton Jones Copy Share
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better — Milton Jones Copy Share
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. — Milton Jones Copy Share
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog. — Milton Jones Copy Share
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic! — Milton Jones Copy Share
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry… — Milton Jones Copy Share
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony. — Milton Jones Copy Share
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next". — Milton Jones Copy Share
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I… — Milton Jones Copy Share
