People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Normally, I try not to pay attention to my haters, but this time I'd like to talk about it, because my haters… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I think I let go of the need for approval. It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like “shut up,… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for:… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
What would bug a guy from the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews? — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad?… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic."… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I wanted to have money; I wanted to be special; I wanted people to like me; I wanted to be famous. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
I think what saved me is me being honest. I think I somewhow had the courage to do something and say something that I… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
I had done a sitcom and a movie and hosted the Emmys, and all of a sudden, I lost everything. As someone put it… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Save a life this Thanksgiving, and join me in starting a new tradition by adopting a turkey instead of eating one through Farm Sanctuary's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One time in high school. Three times in my twenties. Rocks no salt. Yes. Four. Never.… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Actually this is really funny - one time she accidentally forgot to leave a note and I had no idea she had even moved.… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
A circus! 100 clowns of injustice have climbed out of the tiny clown car of this court room. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Gratitude is looking on the brighter side of the life, even if it means hurting your eyes. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
The legend goes that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I was thinking... that must be hard to put all the tiny… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
