Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month! — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
"Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You're on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there's some kind of -… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up is so rewarding, and I enjoy the acting opportunities I've had, but the only time I really feel bad is when… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is -… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
![“Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/0a4/jim-gaffigan-580_combat_stand-up-used-to-be-much-more-of-a-form_3009726.jpg)
