Comedy Quotes

2637 Comedy quotes by 1344 unique authors

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -… — George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning. — George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. — George Carlin
Always do whatever's next. — George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. — George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. — George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. — George Carlin
In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture,… — Adam Carolla
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating… — Jim Carrey
Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them. — Jim Carrey
Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people. — Angela Carter
Comedy was the key to everything. I grew up fast and controlled my future by bringing it on faster than it naturally unfolded. I cheated… — Margaret Cho
I love being manipulated by what I see. I love weepies and romantic comedies where you're reaching for the Kleenex at the right moment. — Nick Cave
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? — Dick Cavett
Years have passed since I have set foot in a comedy club. If the comic is doing badly it's painful, and if the comic is… — Dick Cavett
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. — Fred Allen
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. — Fred Allen
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy… — Fred Allen
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl. — Charlie Chaplin
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. — Dave Chappelle
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. — Dave Chappelle
If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher. — Dave Chappelle
Comedy is a very approval-oriented field. — Dave Chappelle
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny,… — Dave Chappelle
I don't really know what 'selling out' is exactly. I would sell out if I could, but nobody's buying it. I would love to go… — Margaret Cho

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,344 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: