The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever." — Zach Galifianakis Forever Copy Share Image
“Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'Seacrest out!' after I ejaculate. — Zach Galifianakis Funny new years resolution Copy Share Image
I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot. — Zach Galifianakis Assistants Copy Share Image
I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey.… — Zach Galifianakis Acting Copy Share Image
I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge . — Zach Galifianakis Bits Copy Share Image
There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence,… — Zach Galifianakis Actors Copy Share Image
When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass… — Zach Galifianakis Acting Copy Share Image
We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's… — Zach Galifianakis Backgrounds Copy Share Image
Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it,… — Zach Galifianakis Built Copy Share Image
A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the… — Zach Galifianakis Audience Copy Share Image
You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions. — Zach Galifianakis Failure Copy Share Image
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble… — Zach Galifianakis Diarrhea Copy Share Image
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven? — Zach Galifianakis Funny Copy Share Image
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis Book Copy Share Image
My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just… — Zach Galifianakis Bunch Copy Share Image
