David Letterman Quotes

225 quotes in 2712 categories

• Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
• The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
• Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
• Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
• Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
• When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
• I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
• I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So…
• Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
• If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.
• Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!
• Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.
• You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?
• I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
• Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.
• Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to…
• Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.
• Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.
• Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.
• The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of…

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