All David Letterman Quotes
- My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. Bernie
- Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. Back Together
- He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in. Godly
- I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football… Chance
- Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. Beginning
- There just isn't enough televised Chess Chess
- Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he?… Announced
- Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his… Alarmed
- Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. Experts
- Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global… Actually Starting
- I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night. Almost Every
- I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd. Decided
- I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon… Believe
- I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. Believe
- I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it. Democrat
- I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect… All
- I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy. Aborted
- I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away… Aliens
- I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the… Allowed
- I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their… Agendas
- The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our… America
- Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" First Husband
- When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it… Ahead
- I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. Boy
- BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders. Bird