Witty Quotes · Page 55

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

— Woody Allen

COMMUNISM : You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

— Nikhil Saluja

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

— Nikhil Saluja

Between 3 and 80, Man is like North Korea: Ruled by nuts'

— Nikhil Saluja

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

— Nikhil Saluja

Every witticism is an inexact thought; that which is perfectly true is imperfectly witty.

— Walter Savage Landor

Men...we spend nine months trying to get out of a vagina, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in.

— Nikhil Saluja

You can't be a little bit unfaithful any more than you can be a little bit pregnant.

— Nikhil Saluja

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad…

— Anonymous

Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more…

— Thomas Hobbes

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It…

— Tina Fey

Children : The child is God's gift to the family. Each child is created in the special image and likeness of God…

— Nikhil Saluja

I tried to think of a witty play on Every picture tells a thousand words, but then the whole word/picture thing collapsed…

— Douglas Coupland

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

— Larry Gelbart

I think about Aaron Rodgers, he's like Chris Evans before he got the HGH injection in Captain America. But before he was…

— Michael Bennet

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies/ Bad girls know they could do it better Naughty girls do it with whips…

— Nikhil Saluja

A Girl will fake an orgasm. The woman won't stop until it's real.

— Nikhil Saluja

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.

— Oscar Wilde

Life Insurance: A contract that leaves you poor while you live so you can die rich.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, A condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting;

— Nikhil Saluja

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

— Douglas Adams

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

— Nikhil Saluja

Conference: One man's confusion multiplied by the number of people there.

— Nikhil Saluja

Every habit makes our hand more witty, and out wit more handy.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

— Nikhil Saluja

HUSBAND, PERFECT, is, in a man's second marriage, her first mate

— Nikhil Saluja

When it comes to sex, most women are like the government. All talk, no action.

— Nikhil Saluja

No man is good enough to govern another man without the other's consent.

— Abraham Lincoln

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

— Anonymous

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced

— Ruby Wax

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a…

— George Carlin

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

— Scott Adams

Of course my clothes are on the floor. I'm a guy, that is where I hang them.

— Nikhil Saluja

Wit and woman are two frail things, and both the frailer by concurring.

— Thomas Overbury

Wit is a dangerous weapon, even to the possessor, if he knows not how to use it discreetly.

— Michel de Montaigne

Wit lies in the likeness of things that are different, and in the difference of things that are alike.

— Madame de Stael

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

— Woody Allen

Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you separate the whites and the colored clothes during laundry, you're a racist.

— Nikhil Saluja