You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like...… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That's… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away. The ability… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
