If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
You might think the word "homemade" is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Dilbert: I'm obsessed with inventing a perpetual motion machine. Most scientists think it's impossible, but I have something they don't. Dogbert: A… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Ratbert (as lab rat, to scientist): Doc, we have to talk. Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
I calculated the total time that humans have waited for web pages to load. It cancels out all the productivity gains of… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert'… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If you work in the city long enough, it begins to deal with you on a personal level. Streets reveal their moods.… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn to think of other people as noisy furniture, the… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that things that don’t kill you make you weaker? And great minds don’t think alike. If they did,… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
One of the great things about being ignorant is that I often think my ideas are original. It's a wonderful feeling. That's… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Everyone says there's a lack of leadership in the world these days. I think we should all be thankful, because the only… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
What does it mean to be yourself?” he asked. “If it means to do what you think you ought to do, then… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“If you think your odds of solving your problem are bad, don’t rule out the possibility that what is really happening is that you… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it. It sounds trivial and obvious, but if you unpack the idea it has… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“Failure always brings something valuable with it. I don’t let it leave until I extract that value.” — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“On all the important stuff, we are emotional creatures who make decisions first and rationalize them after the fact.” — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“What you rarely see is a stillborn failure that transmogrifies into a stellar success. Small successes can grow into big ones, but failures rarely… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“Because everything you perceive is a metaphor for something your brain is not equipped to fully understand. God is as real as the clothes… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“Capitalism is rotten at every level, and yet it adds up to something extraordinarily useful for society over time. The paradox of capitalism is… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
