If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
