I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
