I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
