Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
