You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
