You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
