I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
