“William Penn would be a great pen name. But for love letters to manicured lawns, trees, and benches, the best name would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had four legs and fur, would you try to pet it, chase it, or serve it up as chicken lo… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s a witch in Wichita. As an expert on all things Topeka, I should know. I once made Kansas all night long… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a barometer of love. Give it to the girl of your dreams, and see if she uses it to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love came out of exhaust pipes, like a penis that penetrated deep into one, then maybe the world could use more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two guys, a man and a beast, were walking underwater, when two goats began fishing for political votes. That’s when I fell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were to assign a color combination to my love for you, it would be purple and brown, because you are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
