“I want to make love to the French Revolution. Or maybe just get some head from Robespierre.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a bag of electric eels sleeping in a lagoon full of goons and legumes. And I can say that with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there were a speedometer that went from 0-1, that’d measure how fast I fell in love with you. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She gave me the cold shoulder, so I heated it up in the microwave. Sometimes #love is leftovers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t just love you, I love you a 9.7. I would love you a 10, but who do you think you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a new subject to me, and I’m just starting to get confused. The middle is the muddle, and the end is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll take off my coat in the restaurant and drape it over my pants, which I’ll drape over your chair. I hope… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like oysters, and then we ate oysters. Then we made love like two people sitting on opposite ends of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
