I never knew you could offend someone by masturbating. This couple just opened their closet and they look really pissed. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
White people made up the n-word, they knew about racial jokes before anybody, and in their old movies and old cartoons they… — Paul Mooney Copy Share Image
In the sixties, the recycling of pop culture turning it into Pop art and camp had its own satirical zest. Now we're… — Pauline Kael Copy Share Image
I joke that I reached the bimbo trifecta when I came to Fox News! In being a former Miss America, being blonde… — Gretchen Carlson Copy Share Image
Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense. — Alan Moore Copy Share Image
I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned how to combat depression. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration,… — Jack Benny Copy Share Image
There was a time when I didn't like myself at all. I thought I was a cruel joke. But now I've come… — Cee Lo Green Copy Share Image
I don't like working by a monitor. I stand right next to the camera, and I'm very performance-oriented. That really means everything… — Drew Barrymore Copy Share Image
When I'm traveling a lot the flight attendants will ask what I do and if I say I'm a magician then I… — Justin Willman Copy Share Image
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about, and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
To me, the highest expression of life is art with jokes. It's very rarified, very difficult to accomplish if you want to… — Neil Peart Copy Share Image
Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Women are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I only became a celebrity because I had a kid. Before I was pregnant nobody cared. I joke to my agent that… — Busy Philipps Copy Share Image
Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Monkey will be monkeys little monkeys but if you take their banana they going take yours — MrAwesome Copy Share Image
Like great art, something essential dies when great jokes are explained. So what's the key to telling a good joke/creating great art… — Travis Nichols Copy Share Image
Often when you're filming comedy and you've done six or seven takes, the joke's been done and you know you're gonna have… — Jim Howick Copy Share Image
I don't want people to leave the show being upset. So if I am trying to do a new joke, and sometimes… — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
I still feel threatened by academics, but my books have a lot of academic in-jokes and everybody assumes I went to university… — Jasper Fforde Copy Share Image
I used to tell jokes about Internet-enabled lightbulbs. I can't tell jokes about it anymore - there already is an Internet-connected lightbulb. — Vint Cerf Copy Share Image
A book does not make bad jokes, drink too much or eat more than you can afford to pay for. — Kenneth Turan Copy Share Image
In high school, my friend and I discovered that your cable-access station had to let you do whatever you wanted - it… — Michael Schur Copy Share Image
A human being having a full emotional conversation with a dog is funny, innately. It's one of those things where you get… — Will Smith Copy Share Image
Clive [Oppenheimer] and I figured out that I'm the only one probably in the film industry who is clinically sane. I say… — Werner Herzog Copy Share Image
I used to see a lot of cocaine. There were journalists who used cocaine and didn't write about it and I didn't… — Cameron Crowe Copy Share Image
Failure and unhappiness is easier because you can make a joke out of it. — David Nicholls Copy Share Image
I'd come from the bottom of the barrel. Just Owen Hart getting out of the shadow of Bret Hart's little brother. Everyone… — Owen Hart Copy Share Image
M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend. Have some fries. Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend. Have some fries.… — Kevin Copy Share Image
You are doing something over here and over there someone is telling you a joke, or giving you an important piece of… — Michael Ondaatje Copy Share Image
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring… — Horla Copy Share Image
![“Clive [Oppenheimer] and I figured out that I'm the only one probably in the film industry who is clinically sane. I say that as a joke, but there's a grain of truth to it. I'm not a stupid daredevil who jumps into the crater of the volcano to get the closest close-up, I'm not one of those. And you…” quote by Werner Herzog](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/e24/werner-herzog-964_closest_clive-oppenheimer-and-i-figured-out-that_2885607.jpg)
