I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
