Humour Quotes · Page 30

“I can't believe she's lived this long. God must be avoiding her.”

— Brian Francis

“Where's Kraven? Is he stalking me too?" His mouth went tight. "I'm not stalking you.”

— Michelle Rowen

I like a man with a nice, self-deprecating sense of humour.

— Christina Hendricks

Campo, as everyone in chess recognized, had a 2600 rating as a politician.

— Raymond Keene

“Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask. ‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.”

— Doug MacLeod

“Heartache makes for good poetry, heartburn not so much.”

— S. Tarr

How could they tell? (on being told that Calvin Coolidge was dead)

— Dorothy Parker

“Free citizens of the United Kingdom can apparently vote for clowns, but not vote (dressed) as them.”

— Eddie Mair

I find it a lot with Australian and New Zealand comics, and people from that part of the world, we share quite…

— Natasia Demetriou

I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss…

— Nick Cave

“In the yard of the inn, Daffy Cadwaladyr introduced himself. "Short for Davyd," he said pleasantly. The Londoner looked as if she'd…

— Emma Donoghue

“You honkies want women to be like cookies, all sweet and dainty and easy to eat. But I'm fry bread, you bitch,…

— Eden Robinson

Politicians don't laugh very often. That is their problem. Humour is very important in politics and I think the politicians should laugh…

— Asrani

I don't know why I have these dreams. I've never wanted to be Pope. In fact, I have a greater affinity to…

— Peter Ustinov

“Many if not most slaves would have each readily jumped, and many if not most slaves would each readily jump, at the…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing,…

— E.A. Bucchianeri

“So,” he began, after several minutes of silence, “how much did it kill you having to text me?” I chuckled. “A lot.…

— Joanne McClean

“-I love you, Lenny. -From the diaphragm. -What are you talking about? -You have to say it from the diaphragm. That's a…

— Romain Gary

The British have turned their sense of humour into a national virtue. It is odd, because through much of history, humour has…

— Theodore Zeldin

“He plunged into the foliage, and was swept into a humid, wet world of towering trees, animal chirps and thick ferns. After…

— T.P. Grish

“My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees…

— Katherine Applegate

“He went through the bills with the jaundiced eye of a China trader, asking himself not whether he had been stolen from,…

— KJ Charles

“That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant." "Well, the elephant started it." "That's irrelevant.…

— Howard Tayler

“Imagine: If a man who shakes hands up and down meets a man who shakes hands side to side, what will happen?…

— Marcel Theroux

“I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.”

— Phil Torcivia

“Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card.”

— Elizabeth Sharp

“You're asking the cyborg fugitive and the wild animal to be the welcoming committee? That's adorable.”

— Marissa Meyer

“She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.”

— Jefferson Smith

“Life is the courier of the universal brilliance." Elysse”

— Elysse Poetis

Humour is a big part of our lives as well as our music. Making it fun is the most important thing.

— Adam Faulkner

The sympathy of most people consists of a mixture of good-humour, curiosity, and self-importance.

— Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

“He didn’t look as if he’d been through a whirlwind exactly but he’d certainly endured a stiff breeze.”

— Sara Sheridan

“Your daughter is adorable. I've never seen such an alien duck in my entire life.”

— Holly Smale

The Worst Thing About Censorship Is... [ Deleted By Censorship Bureau ]

— Pacifiersucker

“Life is difficult and those who make us laugh are angels.”

— Wayne Gerard Trotman

“To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.”

— Carla H Krueger

“Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw. It was its tendency to bend at the knees.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Only a man with nothing to hide could make that kind of racket.”

— Sara Sheridan

I'm constantly looking for humour in the news. The funniest things are in the minutiae.

— Hugh Dennis

“Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.”

— Katie McGarry