Humour Quotes · Page 24

“I tried to think outside the box but couldn't open the lid.”

— Alan Dapre

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

— Ambrose Bierce

“The only good thing about that decision, Gatt, is that I'll get tea before you.”

— Graham Gooch

Sir, the slowness of genius is hard to bear, but the slowness of mediocrity is insufferable.

— Henry Thomas Buckle

“If flatness were funny, a dinner plate would be hilarious.”

— Walter Moers

Life is really very fantastic, and one has to have a peculiar sense of humour to see the fun of it. [Virtue]

— W. Somerset Maugham

“I suppose you’re young,’ she conceded, managing once again to make youth sound like impetigo”

— Tyne O'Connell

Humour is human. Why? Well, because the Philosopher, Aristotle, says so.

— Simon Critchley

Now the point of comedy is not just looking funny, it's use of language. We have at our disposal a great language...…

— Barry Humphries

“For a sane person to sincerely be happy that someone has succeeded, they have to either be profiting or likely to profit…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Mary was a famous fairground attraction but she doesn't really count as she rather famously turned out to be a monkey.”

— Sandi Toksvig

“Hairy monkeyballs!” I hiss. “Dogshit on a stick! Puke pancakes!” A head pokes in. Wren, green eyes smiling, walks over to my…

— Sara Wolf

“No, it's the best time for jokes,' said Olivia. She forced a weak smile. 'Jokes remind us that we're alive. And that…

— Mira Grant

“From this, Udinaas surmised, various lessons could be drawn, should one be inclined to draw lessons from multiple acts of stupidity.”

— Steven Erikson

“The other day, a friend of a friend said that everyone started out as girls, but boys evolved… But don’t worry girls,…

— Ben Mitchell

So in all humours sportively I range; My muse is rightly of the English strain, That cannot long one fashion entertain.

— Michael Drayton

“...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck…

— St. John Morris

I've never sat down with the intent of trying to shock or anything like that; it just so happens that the sense…

— Jim Jefferies

Comedic actors can be looked at as a lower form because we have to put ourselves in a lower place than most…

— Jim Carrey

“I saved you,” Andersen said at last, slowly but firmly, like Pat was an idiot child who had to be reminded of…

— Alex Gabriel

I like Roy Orbison's video for 'I Drove All Night' because it's so literal. It is just a man driving throughout the…

— Richard Ayoade

“In fact,' said Poirot, 'she stabbed him in the dark, not realising that he was dead already, but somehow deduced that he…

— Agatha Christie

“I remembered a friend of mine dying from AIDS, and while he was visiting his family on the coast for the last…

— David Wojnarowicz

“One thing she did not know was the greatest book on human psychology is the Bible. If you were lazy and did…

— Buchi Emecheta

“It is said "Barking dogs seldom bite"…Unfortunately many dogs do not know this proverb!”

— Ankala Subbarao

“Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.”

— Niels Bohr

“Life is really very fantastic, and one has to have a peculiar sense of humour to see the fun of it.”

— W. Somerset Maugham

“ Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards , I thought. For they are soggy and hard to light. ”

— Ben Aaronovitch

“Peyton, I’m not married and you’re not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.”

— Robyn Carr

Humour can always be found in a place where there's fearlessness.

— Vivek

Where I come from people are very deadpan with a dry humour that I suppose rubbed off on me.

— Ardal O'Hanlon

Horses are calmer people. They also don't throw things at cats.

— Anonymous

“What the hell was she doing on the nonhostage side of a handgun?”

— Suzanne Brockmann

“The average adult has had sex innumerable times more than they have formed an opinion of their own.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Walking the plank is a Victorian fiction, and I will not have it on my ship!”

— George MacDonald Fraser

“I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.”

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

“Are you saying that the Rebel Alliance were religious terrorists and Yoda was a benefit cheat?”

— Dave Turner

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

— Nancy Springer

“The Chocolate Chip Cookie makes it healthy. Obviously.”

— Anonymous Rachel

Analysing humour is like dissecting a frog few people are interested, and the frog dies.

— Alan Ford