I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him.… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
