Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
