Funny Quotes · Page 1,519

If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of life I shall have to wear…

— Thomas Jefferson

I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

— Emaliebaby

You can be funny about your kids without being unkind.

— Frank Skinner

If you have a dream in your life, go ahead it's possible, go ahead

— Lyoto Machida

I have climbed to the top of the greasy pole!

— Benjamin Disraeli

I am happy to know that my husband regards me as a woman and a person.

— Katherine Dunham

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way…

— Henny Youngman

Dear future husband, I promise to be faithful but I'll always cheat on you with something... My lipstickð.

— Igbayilola Dosunmu

Listening is not a displacement for leadership. You have to have leadership.

— Angelo Sotira

Oh, to be seventy again!

— Georges Clemenceau

It seems I’m getting fresher everytime I turn around.

— Mac Miller

I definitely know that there's somebody looking out for me, because I could never do this alone.

— Taylor Swift

I watched a dog chase its tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, Wow dogs are easily entertained Then I…

— Lars Propst

Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I…

— Anonymous

The awkward moment when you did something stupid and your mom thinks that everybodyneeds to know.

— Anonymous

The only limitations are those which we impose upon ourselves.

— Jacque Fresco

I'm organizing a baby shower for my girlfriend. She's a midget.

— Nikhil Saluja

Every African has a responsibility to understand the system and work towards it's overthrow.

— Walter Rodney

I just realized that our fears are bigger than our dreams.

— Green Monk

God is near you, is with you, is inside you.

— Seneca the Younger

God don't make no mistakes. That's how He got to be God.

— Archie Bunker

Admit it ... you've always wanted to see what it would be like to meet yourself.

— Anonymous

“He looks again towards the door, expecting Mum to walk in and remind him of something he's forgotten. He smiles awkwardly. 'Is…

— Steven Herrick

Sex with your secretary - Employers liability

— Nikhil Saluja

It's so funny when you're actually directing because things start popping that you don't expect to pop, and something that you think…

— Stephen Moyer