I call our bathroom 'The Vault' because the door's always locked and whatever goes on in there costs a $hitload of money. — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
It doesn't matter if you're black or white... the only color that really matters is green. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course… — Sarah Vowell Copy Share Image
When I get emotional about something, that's usually when funny comes. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual… — Ricky Gervais Copy Share Image
People have said to me for a long time, "Man you're funny." I say, "Well, I'm quick," but being funny on purpose,… — Denzel Washington Copy Share Image
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed.… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
A good artist is willing to die many times over. What's funny is, I've died so many times. — Billy Corgan Copy Share Image
