“When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were at a buffet, but instead of eating food, we were forced to eat our… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once went to a Russian restaurant called “Stalin’s Café.” All the items on the menu looked tempting, but after careful deliberation,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just received the message she left earlier today. She left the message yesterday, but she left today. Now I feel like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
