My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God,… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them.… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said.… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin'… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
