Mallory Ortberg

I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration.

— Mallory Ortberg

It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.

— Mallory Ortberg

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.

— Mallory Ortberg

“(Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.)”

— Mallory Ortberg

It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!

— Mallory Ortberg

Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.

— Mallory Ortberg

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.

— Mallory Ortberg

Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move.

— Mallory Ortberg

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking…

— Mallory Ortberg

Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.

— Mallory Ortberg

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to…

— Mallory Ortberg

"Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people" and "treating gay people like human beings" are necessary conditions of greatness.

— Mallory Ortberg

I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband…

— Mallory Ortberg

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married…

— Mallory Ortberg

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.

— Mallory Ortberg

Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.

— Mallory Ortberg

o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly…

— Mallory Ortberg

I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a…

— Mallory Ortberg

I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat…

— Mallory Ortberg

As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin…

— Mallory Ortberg

If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of…

— Mallory Ortberg

It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on…

— Mallory Ortberg

I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at…

— Mallory Ortberg

I think that it's a great idea to have honest conversations about children before getting married. I also think it's impossible to…

— Mallory Ortberg

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.

— Mallory Ortberg

We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.

— Mallory Ortberg

A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is…

— Mallory Ortberg

You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can…

— Mallory Ortberg

You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes…

— Mallory Ortberg

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.

— Mallory Ortberg

Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at…

— Mallory Ortberg

If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry…

— Mallory Ortberg

Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave…

— Mallory Ortberg

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely…

— Mallory Ortberg

One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or…

— Mallory Ortberg

I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.

— Mallory Ortberg

If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like…

— Mallory Ortberg

Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of…

— Mallory Ortberg

You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.

— Mallory Ortberg

You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.

— Mallory Ortberg