If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey,… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them." — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race,… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure. — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
I think that it's a great idea to have honest conversations about children before getting married. I also think it's impossible to promise someone,… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner. — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients. — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their… — Mallory Ortberg Copy Share Image
