Mallory Ortberg

If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry…

— Mallory Ortberg

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.

— Mallory Ortberg

You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes…

— Mallory Ortberg

Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.

— Mallory Ortberg

Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.

— Mallory Ortberg

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely…

— Mallory Ortberg

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married…

— Mallory Ortberg

I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration.

— Mallory Ortberg

A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is…

— Mallory Ortberg

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to…

— Mallory Ortberg

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.

— Mallory Ortberg

I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.

— Mallory Ortberg

It's OK to tell your partner to objectify you. That's part of the fun of having a partner.

— Mallory Ortberg

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.

— Mallory Ortberg

Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at…

— Mallory Ortberg

As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin…

— Mallory Ortberg

It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on…

— Mallory Ortberg

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.

— Mallory Ortberg

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually…

— Mallory Ortberg

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.

— Mallory Ortberg

If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months,…

— Mallory Ortberg

Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!

— Mallory Ortberg

You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with…

— Mallory Ortberg

You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human…

— Mallory Ortberg

If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey,…

— Mallory Ortberg