It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
