You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Nothing is more seductive for a man than his freedom of conscience, but nothing is a greater cause of suffering. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Some of the best people with whom you can have a relationship are the people who challenge your thinking. — T. D. Jakes Copy Share Image
Selling to people who actually want to hear from you is more effective than interrupting strangers who don't. — Seth Godin Copy Share Image
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“The Googleplex Star Thinker is a super-computer from the Seventh Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity and has the ability to calculate the… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
Think of fear as a 2-year-old child who doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you. Because you must buy groceries, you'll… — Jack Canfield Copy Share Image
We think of photography as pictures. And it is. But I think of photography as ideas. And do the pictures sustain your… — Joel Meyerowitz Copy Share Image
Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor… — Dale Carnegie Copy Share Image
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Prayer doesn’t work. Perhaps it makes the believer feel better (in the same way that meditation or deep thought would), but prayer… — David G. McAfee Copy Share Image
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Civilization has made man, if not always more bloodthirsty, at least more viciously, more horribly bloodthirsty. — Fyodor Dostoevsky Copy Share Image
“while the modern, human animal is capable of deep thought and, like its mammalian forebears, can nurture and play, it also is… — Edwin H Friedman Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
After a lifetime of deep thought, I've decided that life is a distraction, but probably not from anything important. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
If you start embracing life's storms instead of hiding away from them, you'll stop fearing them all together; it is this way… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Circumstance has no value. It is how one relates to the situation that has value. All the meaning resides in the personal… — Christopher McCandless Copy Share Image
I release all criticism. I only give out that which I wish to receive in return. My love and acceptance of others… — Louise Hay Copy Share Image
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You can listen to what people say, sure. But you will be far more effective if you listen to what people do. — Seth Godin Copy Share Image
