Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As you breath right now, another person takes their last. So Stop Complaining, and Learn to Live your Life with what you… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When Coleridge tried to define beauty, he returned always to one deep thought; beauty, he said, is unity in variety! Science is… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The idea of overcoming is always fascinating to me. It's fascinating because few of us realize how much energy we have expended… — Maya Angelou Copy Share Image
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Nature avenges herself speedily on the hard pedantry that would chain her waves. She is no literalist. Every thing must be taken… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Being is accessible to you now as your own deepest self, your true nature. But don't seek to grasp it with your… — Eckhart Tolle Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Are you learning to say things after listening to God, or are you saying things and trying to make God's word fit… — Oswald Chambers Copy Share Image
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“His (Grant's) face has three expressions: deep thought, extreme determination, and great simplicity and calmness.” — Amanda Foreman Copy Share Image
There was always the next therapy appointment, next surgery, next college exam, but with time and deep thought, those evolved into life… — Kyle Carpenter Copy Share Image
By our attitude, we decide to read, or not to read. By our attitude, we decide to try or give up. By… — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The chief distinction in the intellectual powers of the two sexes is shown by mans attaining to a higher eminence, in whatever… — Charles Darwin Copy Share Image
I think we all mistake certain things for happiness. I think we mistake comfort for happiness and we mistake pleasure for happiness,… — Simon Pegg Copy Share Image
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Freedom can never be taken for granted. Each generation must safeguard it and extend it. Your parents and elders sacrificed much so… — Nelson Mandela Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Healthy breaks can hit the reset button in your brain, restoring some of the glucose and other metabolic nutrients used up with… — Daniel Levitin Copy Share Image
We need to practice acting in spite of fear, in spite of doubt, in spite of worry, in spite of uncertainty, in… — T. Harv Eker Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In the desert you become a discoverer. You discover your soul, which had been submerged in vain pursuits, which had been lost… — Ameen Rihani Copy Share Image
I have many deep thoughts in God, but I take my own measure, lest I perish by boasting... For I myself, though… — Ignatius of Antioch Copy Share Image
