I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake? — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"... — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker? — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
