I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway." — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
