you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor, — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away,… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
